Managing Emotions When Downsizing

Downsizing before mom moves to a senior living community can be both joyful and stressful.

When your older loved one is ready to leave his or her long time home full of memories, the emotions can run high. The homeowner can be flooded with nostalgia, denial, and a desire to hang on to more things than they can fit into their new abode; people helping out can become frustrated at the pace of progress and can question the judgement of the homeowner, with cries of “Why in the heck do you want to keep that ridiculous thing?” being common. Parents can worry that their children or grandkids will squabble over who gets what and how much. Nosy neighbors might rifle through belongings as if they’re at a yard sale. It’s all enough to make everyone want to run away screaming, or at least walk off in a huff muttering “I don’t care what you do, I’m done, call me when it’s over.”

Of course, every situation is different. As a senior transition consultant, I find that the better prepared the entire family and support system is for the inevitable downsizing, the more smoothly it goes and the less drama plays out. Here are a few things to keep in mind to help everyone prepare for a smooth and respectful transition to the next chapter in life.

• The needs of the homeowner come first. This is a comprehensive statement and pertains to not only practical considerations (whether or not his or her new dwelling is already furnished) but also to emotional needs (seeing decades of belongings being shoved into a corner can make moving seem “real” for the first time). Regardless of your opinion, remember - It’s their stuff, not yours.

• Patience is a virtue, and timelines must also be respected. Downsizing and moving to an all-new way of life is stressful for anyone and can be especially so for an older person who likely has had other setbacks (a death of a spouse, a fall or other medical condition). Plan to give your loved one extra time to grieve and digest the process. That said, if you are working on a strict timeline in which certain deadlines must be met, remind your loved one respectfully that timing matters. Something along the lines of “Mom, I know this is hard. I get it, it’s hard for me too. We need to keep in mind that the moving team is coming Tuesday, and we all must be ready.”

• Your loved one’s feelings may be hurt if nobody close to them wants their furniture, clothing, jewelry, etc. A bit of tact goes a long way here; once the homeowner has selected the pieces to take to the new abode, you can gently say, “Dad, I can’t take any of these items, I have too much stuff as it is; but the good thing is there are lots of people out there who will be able to use everything here, so we can help others.”

• The homeowner may have specific people in mind to receive particular items, and these wishes should be honored. A good way to bring joy in downsizing is to do the gifting  in person so your loved one can see the happiness on a friend’s face when presented with dad’s baseball card collection or mom’s antique teapots.  

• Once your loved one has selected the items to take along to the new place, they may want to have everything else boxed up and placed in a storage unit, “just in case they return home in the future.” While it’s common for older people to wish to go back home shortly after they’ve moved to a senior living community, the fact is that people rarely move back home. Boxing up everything that nobody wanted and then moving it into a storage unit is costly and time consuming. While it may be tempting to go through the motions of this activity to spare Mom’s feelings, a better alternative may be to simply say, “Mom, your job right now is to get settled into your new place; we’re going to handle everything else.” Give your loved one time to look through the years of accumulated memories while being firm that the items to move to the new dwelling have been selected, and there’s no room for more.

It may seem like downsizing will never end, but believe me – there’s an end in sight. The more time you give yourselves to plan – mentally, physically and emotionally – the better it will go for everyone.